Again, I had this dream that made me reflect about my past.
Looking back, it all started from JE, who tried to be part of my life. (grade school to early college, not consistent though…) Unfortunately, there was no spark. I turned him down.
I know somehow I have hurt him maybe for the reason that I failed to appreciate his presence and efforts (he tried so hard I know…but what can I do? I cannot force myself to like someone…). There was no magic and I’ve always been vocal about it. I was looking for somebody who is NOT trying so hard to please me but someone whose character comes out naturally without much effort.
All these years, I think he still feels bad about it…I got a SMS from this unknown sender trying to narrate all what’s inside of him however, full of bitterness. I wish him well, though.
Then, GL came (my karma, I think). We were friends then later on, I wasn’t aware his feeling towards me was developed into something. I didn’t know if I should be happy or mad because he was involved with someone else (a family friend of ours and I was aware of it). I kept reminding myself of what’s right and wrong. I did my best to avoid him (my very best!). I tried to ignore everything he says I didn’t want to ruin a relationship PERIOD! Time came I felt something for him, too. That was the hardest part! I tried to hide my real feelings that were bursting because it was not proper and I didn’t want to fall hard. I felt no one would catch me.
One day, I handed him a card and I walked away, went up to the terrace of our dorm, lit a cig, and looked at him while he was driving away...I was crying! (looked like real drama! *hahaha* yes, it was! ) Until now, he wasn’t aware of my feelings then. Aw! That was my first heartache. I was immensely hurt!
Trivia: he is now married (whew!)
After that, GE came naman…who helped me forget about GL for awhile. He became my BF but only for over 2 months! *haha* He has been my long time crush, looks can really be deceiving! *muwahaha* He just played around and I was disappointed. I thought he was a good man.
I got scared of falling in love. (read: phobia) So I rested my heart for sometime.
1998, XB and I became an item after knowing each other for like 2 years but I wasn’t taking it seriously. I was actually making fun of him! *ooops! why not? After all what I have gone through. Sorry…* # 1, he is 4 years younger than me. # 2, there was no attraction or whatsoever.
I turned him down countless times and until now, I couldn’t explain how we turned out to be together. It was like “magic”! I remember after I said “NO” I felt someone whispered to my ear and kissed him on his forehead and that was my “YES” to him. Weird and unexplainable, right?
2 months later, I wanted to call it quits. I didn’t want to give him false hopes and I wanted to guard my heart (well, that was my main reason) . But he uttered something that made me stunned and speechless. I cannot explain into writing fully because I, myself couldn’t understand all that had happened and was happening. Many things have transpired all these years–- it was like a roller coaster of emotions, hurt, good times, people, and random happenings! *heehee* I had my 2nd big heartache during this time, too! *whew* Enough on that. *wink* This might go so long…
Uhm, someone unexpected, unexplainable and unforgettable came, GM. Everything seemed perfect but things got complicated, unexplainably complicated! I saw the “ideal” in him; qualities that I’ve been longing. I was treated like a princess. We were at bliss and I had this courage to be with him not just for a short time but for a “lifetime”. But I sensed that there’s this “big force” that’s keeping us away from one other. Until he went away, far far away…I couldn’t stop and blame him. I couldn’t blame myself either. We’ve caused too much pain not just on each other but to other people as well.
I have loved him “too much” to let him go…
I never ever imagined myself in that situation. I didn’t know how and why I was brought there. It was tough and rough! Various and too much emotions were involved. People say we are “soul mates”. I feel the “connection” between us will remain “forever” (maybe even after this lifetime!). Yep, I know I have to let go but I will never forget.
Past is past, but past contributes to our present and future. However, we shouldn’t be dwelling much on the past. I always believe that for one to be happy he/she needs to feel sorrow.
To regret is never in my vocabulary even after having all these experiences. As I always say, living life to the fullest is my life project.
Looking back, it all started from JE, who tried to be part of my life. (grade school to early college, not consistent though…) Unfortunately, there was no spark. I turned him down.
I know somehow I have hurt him maybe for the reason that I failed to appreciate his presence and efforts (he tried so hard I know…but what can I do? I cannot force myself to like someone…). There was no magic and I’ve always been vocal about it. I was looking for somebody who is NOT trying so hard to please me but someone whose character comes out naturally without much effort.
All these years, I think he still feels bad about it…I got a SMS from this unknown sender trying to narrate all what’s inside of him however, full of bitterness. I wish him well, though.
Then, GL came (my karma, I think). We were friends then later on, I wasn’t aware his feeling towards me was developed into something. I didn’t know if I should be happy or mad because he was involved with someone else (a family friend of ours and I was aware of it). I kept reminding myself of what’s right and wrong. I did my best to avoid him (my very best!). I tried to ignore everything he says I didn’t want to ruin a relationship PERIOD! Time came I felt something for him, too. That was the hardest part! I tried to hide my real feelings that were bursting because it was not proper and I didn’t want to fall hard. I felt no one would catch me.
One day, I handed him a card and I walked away, went up to the terrace of our dorm, lit a cig, and looked at him while he was driving away...I was crying! (looked like real drama! *hahaha* yes, it was! ) Until now, he wasn’t aware of my feelings then. Aw! That was my first heartache. I was immensely hurt!
Trivia: he is now married (whew!)
After that, GE came naman…who helped me forget about GL for awhile. He became my BF but only for over 2 months! *haha* He has been my long time crush, looks can really be deceiving! *muwahaha* He just played around and I was disappointed. I thought he was a good man.
I got scared of falling in love. (read: phobia) So I rested my heart for sometime.
1998, XB and I became an item after knowing each other for like 2 years but I wasn’t taking it seriously. I was actually making fun of him! *ooops! why not? After all what I have gone through. Sorry…* # 1, he is 4 years younger than me. # 2, there was no attraction or whatsoever.
I turned him down countless times and until now, I couldn’t explain how we turned out to be together. It was like “magic”! I remember after I said “NO” I felt someone whispered to my ear and kissed him on his forehead and that was my “YES” to him. Weird and unexplainable, right?
2 months later, I wanted to call it quits. I didn’t want to give him false hopes and I wanted to guard my heart (well, that was my main reason) . But he uttered something that made me stunned and speechless. I cannot explain into writing fully because I, myself couldn’t understand all that had happened and was happening. Many things have transpired all these years–- it was like a roller coaster of emotions, hurt, good times, people, and random happenings! *heehee* I had my 2nd big heartache during this time, too! *whew* Enough on that. *wink* This might go so long…
Uhm, someone unexpected, unexplainable and unforgettable came, GM. Everything seemed perfect but things got complicated, unexplainably complicated! I saw the “ideal” in him; qualities that I’ve been longing. I was treated like a princess. We were at bliss and I had this courage to be with him not just for a short time but for a “lifetime”. But I sensed that there’s this “big force” that’s keeping us away from one other. Until he went away, far far away…I couldn’t stop and blame him. I couldn’t blame myself either. We’ve caused too much pain not just on each other but to other people as well.
I have loved him “too much” to let him go…
I never ever imagined myself in that situation. I didn’t know how and why I was brought there. It was tough and rough! Various and too much emotions were involved. People say we are “soul mates”. I feel the “connection” between us will remain “forever” (maybe even after this lifetime!). Yep, I know I have to let go but I will never forget.
Past is past, but past contributes to our present and future. However, we shouldn’t be dwelling much on the past. I always believe that for one to be happy he/she needs to feel sorrow.
To regret is never in my vocabulary even after having all these experiences. As I always say, living life to the fullest is my life project.
